Changes!

It's been a while. I haven't written because there were lot of new things in my life. I could continue my studies so I deciced to go abroad to do something. And I did. I found a job in the internet and im here! Now I live in UK, in Surrey. It's beautiful in here. I work as an aupair. It's a good opportunity for someone who wats to improve language skills and travel. I don't know where I'll be in next 6 months but I'm sure that I started what I wanted! I don't know maybe I'll go to other country maybe I'll stay here, who knows that? For now I'm happy that I'm here. I met few girls who works just like I do. They are all from Spain. And it's good too, because I can try to speak Spanish as well. I'm really grateful that someone let me be here and I can change something.
For now I'm in Surrey, and I dont travel a lot, because I'm here for 3 weeks. But if only I could I would go and visit some places. I know that near my city there is a place where is house which was in "The Holiday". I know I have to visit it! What's more I know that somewhere near lives Mary Poppins! This is amazing! Oh, there is so many things to see, I can't wait! More than anything I would like to visit Southampton, this is the place where Titanic started his journey. 
I add some picures from my city, it's not so goos because I took it with my phone. I hope you like it! 
P.S Happy Halloween everyone!

Never felt like this before

It's finally SUMMER. I should be happy, I should but I'm not. I was saving for my trip for whole year. I dont have much money but i could go to some other country to spend few days on a beach. But nobody wanted to go with me. It's really bad time in my life. I feel hopeless and live isn't so important for me.
"Try to help people, they will help you one day", that's what I was always thinking, but now, when I need help there is nobody around. My friends made new friends and they don't need me any more. I'm ALONE. I feel that all the time. I'm crying a lot, I have no passion in my life. I watch pictures of my friends with their friend on holidays and I'm sitting at home alone, with nobody next to me. I hate this feeling. I thought that this blog could help me somehow to be a better person, and maybe I'll find somebody who wants to help me or just talk to me, because I'm worth it. I was wrong I think. I know that there is a lot of "I" in my posts but this blog helps me to share my problems and my life with people I don't know and this is sometimes better than talking to friends.
This summer, as every one before, I wanted to go to work somewhere. And I asked my friends if they dont know some people who could help me. I knew some people who have friends in other country and they could help me, but there was nobody to help me. I don't want somebody give me money I want to earn everything for me. I want to be independent and earn money for everything I need.
My birthday are soon and I think I spend them alone and at home watching some movie and speaking to myself how bad and hopeless I am. I wanted to go somewhere to celebrate my 21st birthday. I'm 20 and only place Ive been is small city in UK. I wont go there again because my friend used me and he doesnt want to be my friend any more.
As you can see it's getting worse and worse. I really wish to change something.
HELP.

Please Help Me To Change My Hopeless Life

     I know last post was so happy and optimistic, but this one, oh .. please just read.
     Oh I live in such a hopeless life. I hate it! I wish I could do somethinig and change it but... I have this word. The thinng is that I want to change all in my life but I have no courage to do something. If only I could... There is so many things I want to change, but first I need to find my place. I dont feel really good here. I feel overwhelmed, it's not the best for me. Last days are bad for me. I have no smile, I have no passion. I'm not the same I was.
     Have you ever watched or read "Eat, pray, love"? I feel like the main character there, I have no "puls". I know I have lot of people who love me and want to be with me but I give them nothing. I feel like I have to change my place, find my "WORD". For now, I'm sure that my word is "hopeless" and I don't want die with this word. I'm 21 and I feel dead inside me. It's terrible feeling. But my problem is that I don't have COURAGE to do something, to move somewhere and try to find my word. The main character packed all her stuff and went on the journey to find herself. I really want to do it, I do feel it would be great experience for me, but my problem is that I have no money like she did. I feel like I'm this person from joke: "one time some guy went to church to ask great saint for win in lottery asking "Great Saint, please, please let me win in this lottery" and one time Saint said "Please please go buy a titket"... " And I dont want to ask and do nothing I want to DO something, but I need help.
     Many times I read about people who journey like my drem helped them to change their lifes. They had courage to packed their backpack and move on. They had map and only one direction: find their own paradise. Stange people helped them, In what way? oh every possible. They gave them a lift from one place to other, gave them a place to sleep, sometimes gave something to eat. And amazing is that they did all this and they didn't get anything back. One guy has visited a whole world like this going by hitch-hiking. This is amazing how dreams can change our lifes.
     I'm looking for a job. Almost all the time. I'm sending my CVs everywhere. I ask my friends to help me find something because I want to earn money for my journey fo find myself. I'm determined. In 2 months i sent almost 100 of CVs and no one, one called me back. This is not good. I have no idea what I could do more to get a job. I try my best, I do everything I can, really. I try to not give up but this is so hard for me. Everything, I feel like this, is against me. I know that all bad things are in my head. I try to think positive, that everything can happen, that life can be kind for me. I also tried to find something in other countries but I didn't get any answer. All this is killikng me and I don't want to "die" with my dreams.

    I want to live my dreams. I want to have memories. I want to think of my life when I'll be old and say to myself "It was a great life, you did this very well. You can't say that you regret something, because you did all you can do". This is what I want. But I need help as well. I can not do anything on my own. I know that I need huge KICK! And if I anyone or anything do not do this I have no idea what is going to happen to me. 
   I know some people can think "she is not the one, people have more problems and so on", but I'm talking about this, I'm writing about everything, I really do want to change myself I want to DO SOMETHING.
   I'll be very grateful for sharing my blog to everyone you know, maybe someone of them has similar situation to me and would love to talk to me or just say that she/he has the same problem. Or maybe someone would want to help me. I don't know but I don't want to sit and do nothing I want to do everything I can do for myself.
          

The best week ever!!

   I'm  really sorry for not writing for such a long time. I had problems with my health and some problems at home. I felt like nobody wants to help me, but it changed :)
   Last week I spend in Wrexham. It's a small town in Wales, UK. I wet there to visit my best friend. It was surprise for him. He had no idea that I'm coming. It was so good to see him :) and I think he was happy to see me because he cried ;) It was a grat time. We went for trip to Chester, for shopping! It was the best for me :D I bought so many clothes :) I love shopping and my friend doesn't :P Next day he was screaming for me because his legs hurt him :P But I had great time shopping :D
   Other day we went to Llangollen. I love this city. It such a lovely place :) I could stay there and live there as homeless person :P We were walking on river (not like Jesus :P, but on stones :) ).
   I felt in love with this city. So many beautiful places, homes, nice people. I know I have to come back there soon! This is the place where I feel amazing and nobody can disturb me. It's wonderful to feel all this feelings which I could feel there without having somebody next to you. I could be there alone and I know that it would be the same excting as with friends :)
   This is the best place for me I think!

Happy Easter !!!!

  The best wishes for Ester time to you and your families! :)
P.S I promise that soon I'll wrote a new post! It's going to be surprise for somebody special for me, so I can't say anything now :P

Really Hard Week

   Last week wasn't the best for me. I was twice in hospital and i felt really bed. I had also an argue with my roommate. I'm normal girl, I think so, but she... she is dfferent. She can do everything with guys in our room when I'm here, so I dont like it. 
   Why I was in hospital? this is a good question. I felt really bad, my stomach hurt, I felt huge pain and I thought that it could be something serious. That's why I decided to go to the hospital. I waited almost 3 hours for a doctor. I thought that I can't make it, it hurt me soo bad. But when they did to me all examination, everything was ok and doctors didn't know why it hurts me. First time they gave me prescription and I bought all medicines. I spend a lot of money, but it was getting worse. So I went again and I get an other prescription, and again I had to spend money. And now I have no idea how to survive without money till the end of the month. But there is good point too :)  I had my friend next to me so she helped me with all. She took me there, and waited with me. It's so nice to have somebody to lean on :) I'm glad that I have her next to me :) 
   What's more... In South Poland there is soo much snow that cars and some houses are almost cover :P This isn't a good news, but my little brother is amazed because of the snow :) My friend told me that they can't go anywhere by car. there is too much snow. It's hard to get anywhere. So mostly they all stay at home. I had to stay at home too, because I'm sick :( But tomorrow I'm going back to my University and friends. They miss me :) I get calls every day :) It's so nice to know that somebody is worried about you :) 
    
  I hope you have more reasons to be happy every day! :)
  Cheers!

Looking for some happiness...

   My exams are over. It didnt go as I expected. I failed 2 exams. I'm waiting for decision from senior if I can continue my studies. I don't know what to do now. I'm sitting at home, not going anywhere, not talking to people. I'm sad and alone. I hate being like that. I like myself smiling and now I don't want to smile anymore. I feel like I'm no more. It's terrible feeling. I know that its not the end of the world, but this studies are really important to me. I really want to finish it with positive gradue. If I couldn't go to my dream school I want to finish this one. But it will be hard. Maybe I shouldn't give up? I don't know. I know one thing, that I did what I could. True is that I couldn't focus on my study because of my home situation. I should focus on my study not on my mom's behavior. But what happened, happened so I can't change it. Now I'm waiting for and I have to be positive. But if I won't get agreement I have to find some job and go abroad to work, because in my place there is no work for young people. I'm looking for a job for 2 weeks and I couldn't find anything for me :( But I hope I can find something soon. If I can continune my studies I will go to job anyway. Well, not now, but on Summer. I have to earn some money, because I have to buy new laptop (I tould you that mine is old and broken), I need new phone, my is so old that I can't even take a picture. I also want to go somewhere. Somewhere were there is not many people, to think about all this what happened and what I should to next in my life. I need support from someone I know that, but first I should think about what is for me and what is not. 
  I wish I could write some positive post here! I want "the old Anna" back! I want to laugh because nothing, I want to make smile my friends, I want to not care about every little thing, I want to focus on my and my life, my problems, and my happiness. I want to do something with my life. I want to be happy again and enjoy life! Is this really so much?

Who can live like that??

   Have you eve heard that you are the biggest mistake that somebody could make? Have you ever heard that because of you somebody had the worst life ever? Have you ever heard that you should not to live or you should never be born? I have. Not a first time. I cant stand it anymore... It's not my fault that I'm here. It's not my fault that I was born. So how people say these things to me? Is it normal to hear it from your parent? Is it really normal? What can I do? I can't imagine to say something like this to my future children... I can sit in bathroom and cry... It's really killing me. It's such a shame for me to live with family like that. I dont have any support. I have to do everything on my own.
  I don't have job, I dont have enough money. I can't even afford for a doctor to check if I am healthy. Every day I can watch some celebs buy a house for billion of dollars. I can see my friends photos on facebook, where they were, what they saw. I want to go to work but I can't find anything. I could go abroad to earn some money but I can't buy a ticket because I don't have money. It really sucks. And I really need so many things to continue studies.
  How somebody say to you "don't let go your dreams"? or "never say never"? I think only about how to survive from month to month. I want to make my dreams come true but how? I love to sing, I love to play, but... When I was on audition to acting school they said to me that our country dont need actors with my look. They will hate me because of that. And can you imagine? One day and everything's over. How can these people decide who people like and not? It should be all about talent and passion. How can somebody treat you like that? 
  I have this blog I can write what I feel, but that's all. I was hoping that maybe somehow someone will hear my voice, that there is a person who need support or help from others. 
  It's not easy to write about it, but maybe somewhere there is a person like me and can't speak about her/his life.

Winter exams

  It begins! Winter exams... So much study, so little time.. But head up! I can make it! Yeaster day I pass test in mechanic (its a part of physics) and tomorrow maths... And next week exams start. I'm so scared that I don't have enough time to study.. There is some many things to learn... But I can't give up! :) My friand told me that she can help me if i need a help :) Its really nice to her! So today I'm going to study at her place. I have to pass this maths test! There is a good side too. If I pass all exams at first time I will have almost all month free. Isn't it amazing? :) When I end first round of exams I have week brak and I'm going home to rest and do shopping to relax (I think every girl likes it! ) :) But for now STUDY, STUDY, STUDY... Oh I really need a break! So many things to do... I'm so tired of this learning that I have "lazy days" :) I don't want to do anything, just stay in bed, drink hot tea and watch a good movie :)
 BTW I can't wait Academy Awards! I love watching Oscars! But when it's on at my place is 3 am so sometimes when I wach it I'm soo sleepy and my eyes are closing but I always watch it till the end! :) I watched almost every movie with nominations and I have to admit the they are really good movies!
  What's more..? Hmmm Let me think... I have to be more active on my blog :) But I hope You can understand my absence :)
  Oh I almost forgot! Some time ago my friend send me a link to one song and... it's AMAZING! I love it! :) It helps me chill :) and I can say that I can listen to it over and over again! :) Here it is! :) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_XQaIcIAfg I hope you will enjoy this song as much as I am :) It helps me when I am really tired and I need a break from oll my notes.

I really look forward to end all this exams stuff and have more free time...

Still You can find me on facebook and "like" my page if You like my blog :)
http://www.facebook.com/GiveSomebodyTheChanceblogspotcom

Also You can follow me on Twitter :)
https://twitter.com/chance_give

Memories...

    It's winter and it's so cold. I miss to summer. Hot days and sleeping on balcony :) I remember like with my friends we had a date there and it was so "romantic"! :) We ate spinach tart, drunk wine and listened to music. I can only recall those moments, I miss them so much! Now it's cold, and snow outside the window. I'm sitting on my bad with cup of hot tea and wish it could be the summer... I miss when with my friends we were going somewhere, just to take some photos and have fun together! :) 
    This time it's so depressing for me. I don't know why. I still meet with my friends at university and in other places, but I think it's not the same. Sitting at my flat is not good, especially there is nobody to talk with. I mean I have roommates but I can't just talk to them when I feel bed. I need my best best friend. To talk about all and nothing, to make some crazy things and than regret it :) This is what I want now. Live my life! But... at university the exams have started and all I can do now is study, study and study, no fun, just study.

    Enjoy the photos :)