Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Please Help Me To Change My Hopeless Life

     I know last post was so happy and optimistic, but this one, oh .. please just read.
     Oh I live in such a hopeless life. I hate it! I wish I could do somethinig and change it but... I have this word. The thinng is that I want to change all in my life but I have no courage to do something. If only I could... There is so many things I want to change, but first I need to find my place. I dont feel really good here. I feel overwhelmed, it's not the best for me. Last days are bad for me. I have no smile, I have no passion. I'm not the same I was.
     Have you ever watched or read "Eat, pray, love"? I feel like the main character there, I have no "puls". I know I have lot of people who love me and want to be with me but I give them nothing. I feel like I have to change my place, find my "WORD". For now, I'm sure that my word is "hopeless" and I don't want die with this word. I'm 21 and I feel dead inside me. It's terrible feeling. But my problem is that I don't have COURAGE to do something, to move somewhere and try to find my word. The main character packed all her stuff and went on the journey to find herself. I really want to do it, I do feel it would be great experience for me, but my problem is that I have no money like she did. I feel like I'm this person from joke: "one time some guy went to church to ask great saint for win in lottery asking "Great Saint, please, please let me win in this lottery" and one time Saint said "Please please go buy a titket"... " And I dont want to ask and do nothing I want to DO something, but I need help.
     Many times I read about people who journey like my drem helped them to change their lifes. They had courage to packed their backpack and move on. They had map and only one direction: find their own paradise. Stange people helped them, In what way? oh every possible. They gave them a lift from one place to other, gave them a place to sleep, sometimes gave something to eat. And amazing is that they did all this and they didn't get anything back. One guy has visited a whole world like this going by hitch-hiking. This is amazing how dreams can change our lifes.
     I'm looking for a job. Almost all the time. I'm sending my CVs everywhere. I ask my friends to help me find something because I want to earn money for my journey fo find myself. I'm determined. In 2 months i sent almost 100 of CVs and no one, one called me back. This is not good. I have no idea what I could do more to get a job. I try my best, I do everything I can, really. I try to not give up but this is so hard for me. Everything, I feel like this, is against me. I know that all bad things are in my head. I try to think positive, that everything can happen, that life can be kind for me. I also tried to find something in other countries but I didn't get any answer. All this is killikng me and I don't want to "die" with my dreams.
    I want to live my dreams. I want to have memories. I want to think of my life when I'll be old and say to myself "It was a great life, you did this very well. You can't say that you regret something, because you did all you can do". This is what I want. But I need help as well. I can not do anything on my own. I know that I need huge KICK! And if I anyone or anything do not do this I have no idea what is going to happen to me. 
   I know some people can think "she is not the one, people have more problems and so on", but I'm talking about this, I'm writing about everything, I really do want to change myself I want to DO SOMETHING.
   I'll be very grateful for sharing my blog to everyone you know, maybe someone of them has similar situation to me and would love to talk to me or just say that she/he has the same problem. Or maybe someone would want to help me. I don't know but I don't want to sit and do nothing I want to do everything I can do for myself.

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